Surviving Prison
Most ya’all don’t know how easy it is to get sent ta’ prison. It’s as simple as not doin’ your taxes proper like or not payin’ your parking tickets and even crushing a clown with a two ton Farris wheel. So if ya’ find yourself being carted off ta’ the Big House good ol’ Gil has a sure fire method of keeping you from being shanked full of holes and the holes ya got not full of stuff you don’t want them filled with.
There are two types of people in the Pen who don’t get messed with: the big tough guy and the scary crazy guy. Now let’s not kid ourselves and just focus on learning to be the crazy guy. These are sophisticated times so just craping in your hands and rubbing it in your hair isn’t going to cut it as the crazy guy any more. You have to sell it and REALLY be that crazy guy. Just follow my ten step program to Crazy Prison Guy and you too can confidently pick up the soap in the shower.
1. Talk to your meals. Really communicate with that cheese sandwich and explain why you have to devour it for you own sustenance. Sob softly with every bite and make sure the other inmates can hear you apologizing to your sandwich with every mouthful. Show spite for all things fruit.
2. Punch yourself in the neck every time someone mentions toothpaste.
3. When talking with other inmates replace the word “and” with “roisterer subterfuge”.
4. Train yourself to blink each eye out of sequence.
5. Stare fearfully at over head light fixtures and with your head tilted up make sure you allow saliva to build up in the back of your throat. Then quickly inhale deeply driving the spit deep into your lungs. This will create a very dramatic and spastic coughing fit. Once you’ve regained your composure loudly proclaim, “Wow, that was a tasty lemon”.
6. Every chance you get, insistently deny that you’ve ever eaten a baby giraffe.
7. From time to time, forget how to enter rooms.
8. Pay off another inmate to tattoo your back with one of the following phrases:
There are two types of people in the Pen who don’t get messed with: the big tough guy and the scary crazy guy. Now let’s not kid ourselves and just focus on learning to be the crazy guy. These are sophisticated times so just craping in your hands and rubbing it in your hair isn’t going to cut it as the crazy guy any more. You have to sell it and REALLY be that crazy guy. Just follow my ten step program to Crazy Prison Guy and you too can confidently pick up the soap in the shower.
1. Talk to your meals. Really communicate with that cheese sandwich and explain why you have to devour it for you own sustenance. Sob softly with every bite and make sure the other inmates can hear you apologizing to your sandwich with every mouthful. Show spite for all things fruit.
2. Punch yourself in the neck every time someone mentions toothpaste.
3. When talking with other inmates replace the word “and” with “roisterer subterfuge”.
4. Train yourself to blink each eye out of sequence.
5. Stare fearfully at over head light fixtures and with your head tilted up make sure you allow saliva to build up in the back of your throat. Then quickly inhale deeply driving the spit deep into your lungs. This will create a very dramatic and spastic coughing fit. Once you’ve regained your composure loudly proclaim, “Wow, that was a tasty lemon”.
6. Every chance you get, insistently deny that you’ve ever eaten a baby giraffe.
7. From time to time, forget how to enter rooms.
8. Pay off another inmate to tattoo your back with one of the following phrases:
Puss Monkey
Mommy, NO!
Brown Lumps
Infected Blister
Waffles
9. Thoughtfully lick your scabs.
10. Constantly compare the prison guards to “that guy from the Sling Blade movie”.
posted by Captain Mog at 6:17 PM
3 Comments:
Gil!! You’ve returned!! Well met in the blogg-o-sphear sir. I will study gravely what you have written, and commit it to memory should the fickle fates ever see it fit to cast me back in prison.
I always sorta thought that lists were for sissies and queers, but good god you've just proved me wrong.
(What if at least 8 out of those 10 seem awfully, awfully familiar already? Does that mean you're close to graduating to Big Tough Guy?)
In East Germany my Grandmother had to pretend to be sane to survive psychiactric prison. I think she never recovered, and is dangerously sane to this day.
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