A Day In The Life O' A Carnie

Nows the time to confess, I've been back at Bader Boy Carnival Extravaganza and Hootenanny for about a week now. Eh, it was anticlimactic, sos I figured I'd just skip it. I caught up to the carnival in a frightening part o' Los Angeles an found Mel the Dwarf between deworming a goat an scrubbing down the fruit bats at the pettin' zoo. Alls I got was a "man nod" followed by some grumpy mumbling about always disappearing when there’s work ta' be done. Sweats just yelled at me for not finding a proper substitute for the "Whack 'em Cats" booth while I was on vacation then I comes to find out that Sanders had completely forgotten himself as my archenemies when he got promoted to the side show as the new Alligator Boy. Well at least my severed head in a pickle jar, Headly, seemed glad ta' see me. Eh, so I'm back now and trying to get back into my routine.

6:00am – Depending the debauchery from the night before I either wake and roll outta' Mel's spare bed in his trailer, my tent, the "Whack 'em Cats" booth or a tree.

6:05am – 7:00am – Wash up at the nearest gas station, creek or garden hose then a quick breakfast o' day-old corndogs and Orange Pow!® with Mel. Sweats usually makes his rounds assigning who's on puke patrol and stuck with the punishment of running the "Lost Kids Corral". Me and Mel are usually hiding in the "Bonking Badgers" game around this time.

7:00am – 8:00am – Repairs to rides, touch-ups to game booths, grounds clean-up and running around with a high pressure fire hose trying to knock the crouch stink off of the more pungent carnies.

8:00am – I stand before my booth taking in the mingling smells of fried food and diesel fuel with the sounds of popping balloons and air-breaks. I know my day's begun.

8:00am – 10:30am – Working the rubes, though at this time in the morning the only rubes available are elderly speed walkers and kids under the age of 12. Both have the uncanny ability ta' ignore you to the point o' wanting to hit them with some thing or if they do come up to my booth will only spend $2 and talk to ya’ until you want to shove sharp objects inta' your own ears.

10:30am – 11:00am – Playing "Slap and Gargle" with Mary-Lou.

11:00am – 12:00pm – Stuck at the "Lost Kids Corral".

12:00pm – 12:30pm – Having a Gyro power lunch with Mel and Bodo Diddles while Tina tends to my torn scalp and child bite wounds.

12:30pm – 1:00pm – Back to my booth to wrangle a few more rubes then restocking of Coors mirrors and oversized stuffed Scooby-Doo's.

1:00pm – 2:00pm – I'm watchin' my stories!

2:00pm – 3:00pm – Back to the booth to catch the mid-afternoon rush of surly teenagers ditching school and middle-aged businessmen taking their large breasted secretaries out for some platonic fun. If ya' press the right businessman you can keep him for hours trying to win a plastic lobster for Miss Jugs.

3:00pm – 3:30pm – Smoking.

3:30pm – 5:00pm – Daydreaming about beating up those jerks my 8th grade class, Sarah Polley, that bottle of hooch saved for later, Sarah Polley cooking me bacon, having a million dollars, Sarah Polley washing my hair, being shot in the shoulder while stopping a bank robbery that saves a bunch of peoples lives while Sarah Polley is watching, how many cigarettes I can fit in my mouth.

5:00pm – 10:00pm - Doing what I do best. Working the game on the rubes.

10:00pm – 10:30pm – Close up shop.

10:30pm – With a hard day behind me. Mel an I get gussied up to crash the underage parties and high school dances. Hey kid, you think you're impressing people by talking loudly about the party you're throwing with your folks outta' town, but as far as me and Mel are concerned it's just an open invitation.