The Death of Señor Swats-o’lot
As any Carnie worth his weight in candied apples will tell ya’ that local rubes can be trouble so if ya’ ain’t packing protection you’re gonna’ be sucking on redneck knuckles.
Mary-Lou carries the standard 12oz canister of teargas, Bodo has a length of pipe he keeps tucked in his overalls, Sweats has a pocket full of rocks for some reason and Dwarf Mel was always a little partial to a roll of quarters in a sock, but for me it was Señor Swats-o’lot. A yard long hunk of bamboo frayed at one end like truck backed over it or like a fairly devious fellow had skillfully carved out strips into the end of the stick possibly with his Leatherman® SuperTool® 200.
The beauty of Señor Swats-o’lot was in it’s unique multi-punishment design with the sturdy brutality of the bamboo and the humiliating stinging of the rapid slapping of the frayed end. Nay, there’s nary a delinquent teen who’s felt the business end of Señor Swats-o’lot an has dared to attempt thievery in the lair of the “Whack ‘em Cats” booth.
Yes, in the past 12 years Señor Swats-o’lot has served me well in the teaching of lessons to mouthy hillbillies, dirt covered children and charitable organizations, but all painfully humiliating things must come to an end. While in a rousing game of “Drunkin’ Frog Bludgeoning” I lost Señor Swats-o’lot to the creek.
I’ve been experimenting with new side arms like those cardboard tubes from paper towel rolls, a hammer, ping-pong paddle and heck, even a cattle prod, but it’s just not the same. I’ve been hearing a lot about these Titanium Pipsticks®, hmmm.
Mary-Lou carries the standard 12oz canister of teargas, Bodo has a length of pipe he keeps tucked in his overalls, Sweats has a pocket full of rocks for some reason and Dwarf Mel was always a little partial to a roll of quarters in a sock, but for me it was Señor Swats-o’lot. A yard long hunk of bamboo frayed at one end like truck backed over it or like a fairly devious fellow had skillfully carved out strips into the end of the stick possibly with his Leatherman® SuperTool® 200.
The beauty of Señor Swats-o’lot was in it’s unique multi-punishment design with the sturdy brutality of the bamboo and the humiliating stinging of the rapid slapping of the frayed end. Nay, there’s nary a delinquent teen who’s felt the business end of Señor Swats-o’lot an has dared to attempt thievery in the lair of the “Whack ‘em Cats” booth.
Yes, in the past 12 years Señor Swats-o’lot has served me well in the teaching of lessons to mouthy hillbillies, dirt covered children and charitable organizations, but all painfully humiliating things must come to an end. While in a rousing game of “Drunkin’ Frog Bludgeoning” I lost Señor Swats-o’lot to the creek.
I’ve been experimenting with new side arms like those cardboard tubes from paper towel rolls, a hammer, ping-pong paddle and heck, even a cattle prod, but it’s just not the same. I’ve been hearing a lot about these Titanium Pipsticks®, hmmm.
posted by Captain Mog at 3:02 AM
8 Comments:
The prototypes are coming along quite nicely. We're accepting pre-orders now.
I'm amazed at the constant insight into the carnie lifestyle this blog provides.
It would make for a great thesis in social science.
My brothers would tape up newspapers, really tightly, and throw them at eachother. It seemed both painful and humiliating for them. Just a suggestion.
Non-erotic anal raping. How can you top perfection?
I am glad you are not dead Gil, as a psuedo-carnie myself I was worried. But now I am happy.
COME BACK! [Please?]
Where have all the good carnies gone? I see a bit of drop off in blogging by many of my favs. Is blogging dying?
Meh. He's lost it.
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