Movies Not To See When Drunk
Whens yer' on da' road as much as a Carnie da' all night movie theater is a' second home. Da' first home bein' seedy nameless bars reekin' o' despair and cat pee. Nows as much as a Carnie loves movies he loves his hooch, buts mixin' da’ two cans lead ta' public embarrassment 'er possible night in da' poky.
The Shawshank Redemption – Okays sos da' “suds on da' roof” an' “Brooks was here” scenes wills give ya' da' man chokes where ya' gets a lump in yer chest an' clenched jaw wit quiverin' lower lip tryin' ta' fight back da' tears, buts that's nots da' finishin' move. Whens Morgan Freeman starts his “I hope to get across the boarder. I hope to see my friend again and shake his hand. I hope the pacific is as blue as in my dreams. I hope.” Bwah-haw-haw! *snork* Whaaaa! *sniffle* Followed by da' cold stares o' people leavin' da’ theater.
Braveheart – Yeah, lets jus' see ya' tryin' get past da' “Freedom!” scene wit a quart o' Wild Turkey in yer' gullet an' not snap inta' a screamin' fit o' “Why God, why! It soulda’ been me!” whilt violently shaking da’ guy in front o' ya’.
A Christmas Story – Dis movie jus' pushes all da' right buttons on how lousy every onea' yer Christmas' was an hows yer parents never surprised ya' wit an official Red Ryder Carbine Action 200-Shot Range Model Air Rifle wit a stock an' a compass. Watchin' dis movie under da' influence will lead ta' repeated kicks ta' da' seat in fronta' ya' an' hurlin' popcorn buckets wit large soda at da' screen. Forcible ejection frum da' theater is inevitable.
Stand By Me – Oh dis isn't jus' a one or two scene whimper movie, oh no dis' is 90 minutes o' no-holds-bard bawlin' public humiliation fest. Frum Teddy’s perpetual torment o' Vern fer “two for flinching” ta' Chris cryin' ta' Gordie about stealin' da' milk money an's when da' movies over an ya realize dat da' Chris Chambers actor, River Phoenix, is dead in real life dats when ya' drop ta' the theater floor in a big crybaby mess. Rollin' around in da' fetal position 'til da' lost Milk-Duds® an' candy wrappers adhere dem selves ta' yer face an hair. It'll be fine once ya' sober up an realize dat yer friends when ya' were 12 would typically chase ya' around da' school yard wit a stick wit dog-poop on da' end whilt callin' ya' bubble-butt really loud sos Stephanie Riceacher, who ya've had a crush on since da' 4th grade, can clearly hear. F*&kin' bastards.
Any movie wheres a retarded person gets wrongly accused o' sum thin an' is hurt, ostracized or killed – These movies are jus' screwed up. I means seriously, not cool at all. I don'ts care what Academy Award winner is playin' da' retard. NO! Bad!
The Crying Game – I jus' gots ta' say dat da' little surprise in dis' movie WILL induce projectile vomiting and an uncontrollable urge ta' see a hockey game immediately.
Bleu – Actually all foreign films should be avoided whilt drinking heavily. Double vision an' subtitles will lead ta' gross misinterpretations sos you’ll be cheerin' as ya' think da' hero jus' won over da' girl, buts in actuality it's da' hero's evil Siamese twin who's havin' forcible “relations” wit his own sister whilt the tormented gorilla watches frum a closed circuit T.V. Art house filmgoers are mean an' will throw empty bottles of wine an' apple slices at ya.
All movies staring Sarah Polley – Okays, sos dis' is a Gil T. Carnie exclusive, buts if ya' ever heard da' howls o' despair an' loneliness frum dis Carnie ya'd understand ma arrest record a little better.
The Shawshank Redemption – Okays sos da' “suds on da' roof” an' “Brooks was here” scenes wills give ya' da' man chokes where ya' gets a lump in yer chest an' clenched jaw wit quiverin' lower lip tryin' ta' fight back da' tears, buts that's nots da' finishin' move. Whens Morgan Freeman starts his “I hope to get across the boarder. I hope to see my friend again and shake his hand. I hope the pacific is as blue as in my dreams. I hope.” Bwah-haw-haw! *snork* Whaaaa! *sniffle* Followed by da' cold stares o' people leavin' da’ theater.
Braveheart – Yeah, lets jus' see ya' tryin' get past da' “Freedom!” scene wit a quart o' Wild Turkey in yer' gullet an' not snap inta' a screamin' fit o' “Why God, why! It soulda’ been me!” whilt violently shaking da’ guy in front o' ya’.
A Christmas Story – Dis movie jus' pushes all da' right buttons on how lousy every onea' yer Christmas' was an hows yer parents never surprised ya' wit an official Red Ryder Carbine Action 200-Shot Range Model Air Rifle wit a stock an' a compass. Watchin' dis movie under da' influence will lead ta' repeated kicks ta' da' seat in fronta' ya' an' hurlin' popcorn buckets wit large soda at da' screen. Forcible ejection frum da' theater is inevitable.
Stand By Me – Oh dis isn't jus' a one or two scene whimper movie, oh no dis' is 90 minutes o' no-holds-bard bawlin' public humiliation fest. Frum Teddy’s perpetual torment o' Vern fer “two for flinching” ta' Chris cryin' ta' Gordie about stealin' da' milk money an's when da' movies over an ya realize dat da' Chris Chambers actor, River Phoenix, is dead in real life dats when ya' drop ta' the theater floor in a big crybaby mess. Rollin' around in da' fetal position 'til da' lost Milk-Duds® an' candy wrappers adhere dem selves ta' yer face an hair. It'll be fine once ya' sober up an realize dat yer friends when ya' were 12 would typically chase ya' around da' school yard wit a stick wit dog-poop on da' end whilt callin' ya' bubble-butt really loud sos Stephanie Riceacher, who ya've had a crush on since da' 4th grade, can clearly hear. F*&kin' bastards.
Any movie wheres a retarded person gets wrongly accused o' sum thin an' is hurt, ostracized or killed – These movies are jus' screwed up. I means seriously, not cool at all. I don'ts care what Academy Award winner is playin' da' retard. NO! Bad!
The Crying Game – I jus' gots ta' say dat da' little surprise in dis' movie WILL induce projectile vomiting and an uncontrollable urge ta' see a hockey game immediately.
Bleu – Actually all foreign films should be avoided whilt drinking heavily. Double vision an' subtitles will lead ta' gross misinterpretations sos you’ll be cheerin' as ya' think da' hero jus' won over da' girl, buts in actuality it's da' hero's evil Siamese twin who's havin' forcible “relations” wit his own sister whilt the tormented gorilla watches frum a closed circuit T.V. Art house filmgoers are mean an' will throw empty bottles of wine an' apple slices at ya.
All movies staring Sarah Polley – Okays, sos dis' is a Gil T. Carnie exclusive, buts if ya' ever heard da' howls o' despair an' loneliness frum dis Carnie ya'd understand ma arrest record a little better.
posted by Captain Mog at 10:00 PM
3 Comments:
Is it part of your parole that you're forced to do Movie Public Service Announcements a la Robert Downey Jr. style?
Nice.
"Fried Green Tomatos" is a pretty bad flick to see lubed up on liquor... Oh, the tragedy! And the BBQ!
You're right about the foreign film crowd, Gil. [psst... I think they even eat their young.]
I feel the exact same way about all of Dwight Yoakam's movies.
I break into tears while watching Panic Room, but for very different reasons.
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