Road to Badger Boy: Part 12

THE THING! (insert ominous music here): Ina’ desolate stretcha’ Arizona Interstate 10 highway, far frum rational human bein’s an’ effective roll-on deodorant lies “Da’ Mystery o’ da’ Dessert!” better knows as “The Thing!” Oooo. “Da’ Mystery o’ da’ Dessert” conveniently located ina gas station wit gift shop an’ a Dairy Queen®.

I first noticed da’ billboards fer’ The Thing! jus’ out sida’ New Mexico whilt desperately clutching da’ luggage rack o’ a speedin’ Durango. Nows as a disturbingly obsessive John Carpenter fan I gots all excited ats da’ prospect o’ seein’ a mutated dog-man-spider-monkey dat even da’ repeated peltin’ o’ high speed bugs in ma’ mouth an’ good eye couldn’t bring me down… much.

I’lls save ya’ da’ details o’ my disappointment whens I finally gots ta’ see The Thing!, buts I’lls jus’ say dat’ I was so disheartened I couldn’t finish ma’ Peanut Buster® Parfait and I’m a man who loves his Peanut Buster® Parfait. Nows it woulda’ been silly ta’ argue wit management fer ma’ $0.75 admission fee back sos I did. Afters da’ second hour o’ me wailing likea’ was givin’ birth ta’ a porcupine on fire an’ drvin’ off $2.25 in customers he finally gaves me a job. Carnie callin’ rubes ta’ see “Da Mystery o’ da’ Desert!”

Since dar’s no real town ta’ speak o’ an’ foot traffic in da’ middle of da’ desert is ona’ down-swing, I had ta’ take ma’ act ta’ da’ interstate an’ flag down rubes there. A real nice lady tooks dis’ snapshot o’ me sos ya’all can see how well I’d been doin’ at it.