Havin’ one eye does ‘ave its drawbacks

All right sos outside o’ da’ obvious disadvantages ta’ bein’ a Cyclops such as ma’ dart game gonna’ ta’ shit an’ havein’ onion-heads sayin’ “Arr, matey! Swab the poop deck!” ta’ me. Here are a fews of da’ lesser thought o’ problems wit bein’ univisioned (isn’t dat’ a Latino television station?)

Flirtin’ wit women turns outta’ be jus’ plain weird as every time I wink at dem it jus’ looks like I’m blinkin’ seductively.

On hots days, an eye patch can makes fer a sweaty socket. I’ll jus’ not explain dat’ one any further.

Whens talkin’ ta’ people ya’ can see der’ gaze movin’ ta’ da’ eye patch den’ an’ whens ya’ show dat ya’ notice they look around guiltily likes ya’ just caught dem’ spankin’ da’ helmeted hermit.

Den’s thars da’ pity in da’ strangest places, like ridin’ on a crowed bus an’ a pregnant woman offered me her seat. Hey lady, I’ms missin’ an eye not ma’ kneecaps, buts who am’s I ta’ turn down a free seat.

Nows heres one dat threw me, peoples getting’ freaked whens I go ta’ shake dar’ hands or might touch dem’ in anyway. Likes dar’ gonna’ catch sum disease that’ll make der’ eye pop outta’ der’ skull like a champagne cork.

It’s not alls bad days though, peoples always buyin’ me drinks ta’ hear da’ story o’ how I lost lefty, kids think I’m cool when I’d show dem’ da’ empty socket an’ even da’ ladies seems ta’ respond better ta’ da’ tough look da’ patch gives me. Heck I might jus’ get one o’ dem’ 8-Ball glass eye. Man dats classy.