The Death of Señor Swats-o’lot

As any Carnie worth his weight in candied apples will tell ya’ that local rubes can be trouble so if ya’ ain’t packing protection you’re gonna’ be sucking on redneck knuckles.

Mary-Lou carries the standard 12oz canister of teargas, Bodo has a length of pipe he keeps tucked in his overalls, Sweats has a pocket full of rocks for some reason and Dwarf Mel was always a little partial to a roll of quarters in a sock, but for me it was Señor Swats-o’lot. A yard long hunk of bamboo frayed at one end like truck backed over it or like a fairly devious fellow had skillfully carved out strips into the end of the stick possibly with his Leatherman® SuperTool® 200.

The beauty of Señor Swats-o’lot was in it’s unique multi-punishment design with the sturdy brutality of the bamboo and the humiliating stinging of the rapid slapping of the frayed end. Nay, there’s nary a delinquent teen who’s felt the business end of Señor Swats-o’lot an has dared to attempt thievery in the lair of the “Whack ‘em Cats” booth.

Yes, in the past 12 years Señor Swats-o’lot has served me well in the teaching of lessons to mouthy hillbillies, dirt covered children and charitable organizations, but all painfully humiliating things must come to an end. While in a rousing game of “Drunkin’ Frog Bludgeoning” I lost Señor Swats-o’lot to the creek.

I’ve been experimenting with new side arms like those cardboard tubes from paper towel rolls, a hammer, ping-pong paddle and heck, even a cattle prod, but it’s just not the same. I’ve been hearing a lot about these Titanium Pipsticks®, hmmm.

Carnie Neologism

ne·ol·o·gism
NOUN:
1. A new word, expression, or usage.
2. The creation or use of new words or senses.

Like most industries and cultures words are created specifically for that industry/culture as it doesn't exist in general use; ie, computer industry, film industry, Star Trek freaks. Here are some more typical Carnie words ya’ might hear while getting a snow cone or shooting water inta' a clowns mouth.

Rube – The dictionary defines Rube as “An unsophisticated country person”, but the Carnie definition is “Obnoxious carnival patrons dumb enough to spend $50 trying to win a $3 sombrero and then get mad at you when they don't.”

Gravispewer – This word applies strictly to rubes blowing-chunks on the Gravitron as it is the most applicable. Other tummy tumbler rides also have their own regurgitating terminology: Squirrel Cage-Purger, Tilt-a-Hurler, a Zipper Stomach-Spiller, Barf-Bag Bouncer.

Durnerber – A too intoxicated rube. Ya'all think this would be easy pickings for a Carnie, but they ain't nothing but trouble. Sure you can work over a drunkard into spending every thing in his wallet to knock over a couple of milk bottles with a really squishy softball, but Durnerber's are the fallin' down knocking over your display, screaming about cotton candy with spiders in it, chasing the dwarf, scaring away the customers, urinating in your booth onionheads.

Shakings – Stuff that falls outta' rubes pockets while on rides and after closing time becomes the property of Badger Boy Carnival Extravaganza and Hootenanny, but more specifically the Carnie who got to it first. In the case of two Carnie's reaching it at the same time a seven round Carnie slap fight determines the rightful owner.

Cripesanwoolly – An undercover cop desperately trying to be undercover. They mostly go around tryin' out games to see if they're legit or investigating us to see if we're running some sorta' gambling/prostitution/white slavery/drug ring. Explaining to these guys that we're not the circus doesn't work as they just fire back with their “I'm not a cop, man. I just want to play a little Ring Toss an see if I can score some pot or maybe an infant.”