Road to Badger Boy: Part 2
LIFE IN THE BIG HOUSE: Despite alls the talk and rumors ‘bout prison it’s actually nots sa’ bad. I gots a sweet job in the shop makin’ hockey sticks, endless servings o’ bacon wit maple syrup and Molson on ice, lumberjack contests, sensitivity classes for American prisons to educate on the harms o’ Canadian stereotyping an’ thanks ta’ the beavers ma’ ass looks like ground hamburger sos no one in da’ showers bothers me when I drops da’ soap.
My lawyer says that beaver smugglin’ is only a misdemeanor offence sos I should be out in a month. I asked him what ya’ get for beaver biting, but I don’ think he got the joke. He just stared at me then left da’ room, eh.
Sos I was plannin’ ta jus’ twiddle the month ‘way by writin’ my memoirs, “Stop Starrin’ at Me Kid; A Carnie Tale” an’ maybe learn sum interruptive dance frum the frou-frou’s in Cell Block D. I knew Sweats an’ Mel would wait fer me, the greatest carnie caller ta’ ever grace da’ “Whack ‘em Cats” booth, but that was ‘befer I got this in my Hotmail Inbox:
“Greetings Dickweed,
How’s being left for dead in Canada treating you? Ha, ha! Here’s a tip for you, Gil the Looser, when you pass out drunk under some ones trailer make sure it isn’t a person who wants you dead. Ha, ha! Since your disappearance Sweats has had to put some one else in your coveted position and guess who that is. I’ll give you a hint; it’s the same person who just broke your single night sales record. Ha, ha! I’d love to chat more, but Mel and I are going to a midnight showing of Evil Dead 2 then we’re going to sneak into the lesbian bar and watch women kiss each other.
Hope you rot, S”
Sanders! This calls fer an all out carnie break out! Oh, IT’S ON!
My lawyer says that beaver smugglin’ is only a misdemeanor offence sos I should be out in a month. I asked him what ya’ get for beaver biting, but I don’ think he got the joke. He just stared at me then left da’ room, eh.
Sos I was plannin’ ta jus’ twiddle the month ‘way by writin’ my memoirs, “Stop Starrin’ at Me Kid; A Carnie Tale” an’ maybe learn sum interruptive dance frum the frou-frou’s in Cell Block D. I knew Sweats an’ Mel would wait fer me, the greatest carnie caller ta’ ever grace da’ “Whack ‘em Cats” booth, but that was ‘befer I got this in my Hotmail Inbox:
“Greetings Dickweed,
How’s being left for dead in Canada treating you? Ha, ha! Here’s a tip for you, Gil the Looser, when you pass out drunk under some ones trailer make sure it isn’t a person who wants you dead. Ha, ha! Since your disappearance Sweats has had to put some one else in your coveted position and guess who that is. I’ll give you a hint; it’s the same person who just broke your single night sales record. Ha, ha! I’d love to chat more, but Mel and I are going to a midnight showing of Evil Dead 2 then we’re going to sneak into the lesbian bar and watch women kiss each other.
Hope you rot, S”
Sanders! This calls fer an all out carnie break out! Oh, IT’S ON!
posted by Captain Mog at 1:54 PM
5 Comments:
Gil, it's a little known fact that Canadians are so exceedingly polite that they will do anything you ask so long as you say please.
(Except French Canadians, they do the exact opposite, with or without the please - but again you should be able to use this to your advantage.)
Your nemesis is in for a WORLD of hurt. Pull the carnie combination arm flail-spit attack on him, because only YOU get to watch women kiss with Mel!
Hummm, good advice gunslinger. That gives me an idea, a' wildn' crazy idea dat jus' might work.
You've Got What I Need, Amen! You got dat right on both counts!
I've gone blind. The mental image picture of Gil's ass looking like hamburger has seared my eyes. And I'm the guy that put hamburger on the Texas Chainsaw package.
Thanks a lot, you Carnie bastard. I hope you get beaveritis or something.
I thought beaver smuggling was a felony. Wait, that's only if she's under 18. Sorry.
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