Road to Badger Boy: Part I

TROUBLE AT THE BOARDER: Sos wit a little luck I was able ta’ catch a canoe wit a fur trapper outta’ “somewhere” in Ottawa ta’ “someswhereelse” in Ontario. Though a’ long canoe ride cans be quite relaxin’, doin’ it wit a guy wit less teeth than me was a little disconcerting. “Gummy” the fur trapper took me as fer as a wharf in sum loggin’ town an’ not two minutes later I’d my next hitch.

By a bizarre twista’ fate ita’ turned out ta’ be Gordon Lightfoot. Nows I dun’know wha’ Gordon Lightfoot was doin’ in a loggin’ town wharf but when ya’re me ya’ don’ look a gift mule in da’ mouth or make crude assumptions ‘bout Canadian folk singers whos willin’ ta’ drive ya’ to the boarder. Whelp, after an hour o’ Gordon Lightfoot requests ta’ “pet” ma’ arm hair I was really missin’ Gummy.

Well Gordon Lightfoot came through an’ dropped me right at the US boarder. No worse fer wear an’ only slightly traumatized. Sos I mosey over ta’ the Duty Free Shop ‘befer hitting the good ol’ US.

Now they says that hindsight is 20/20. Yes, tryin’ ta’ smuggle them beavers cross the boarder was stupid an’ yes, lyin’ ta’ big hairy Mounties ‘bout the large bulges in ma’ pants an’ sayin’ theys was swollen glands was idiotic. But duct tappin’ those beavers to ma’ legs an’ buttocks was the dumbest thin’ I’ve ever done. I was only thinkin’ o’ Mel, he woulda’ loved ta’ have beavers fer the pettin’ zoo. Oh well. Sos after a quick trip ta’ the hospital ta’ take care o’ the scratches an’ bite marks I’ve been takin’ here… Niagara County Jail. Wells a’ least theys gots this really nice computer lab an’ hot meals an’ ma’ cell mate seems friendly enough. Though I’m not really comfortable wit the long hugs hes always givin’ me.