Road to Badger Boy: Part 8
Catchin’ da’ Bus; Where was I… drunk tank, new eye patch, sum thin ‘bout trout… ohs yeah. Sos da’ State o’ New York, after a week o’ rottin’ in a drunk tank bein’ analyzed by several head shrinks declares ma’ little Greyhound freak fest an isolated incident ans’ I was released (thoughs I suspect ma’ laps in heath insurance helped dat’ descision).
Wit no bus ticket or money an’s a brain fulla’ crappy movie trivia I figures I’d pulla’ De Niro frum Cape Fear an strap maself ta’ the undercarriage of a Greyhound. Ta save time I’lls just summarizes.
Attempt 1: Action - Fergot ta’ bring sum thin’ ta’ tie me ta’ da’ bus. Consequence - Lost grip just outta’ da’ parkin’ an’ gots ran over. Hospitalization - 2 weeks.
Attempt 2: Action - Armed wit rope securely tied maself. Consequence - Tied maself ta’ the drive tran that spins A LOT which created a kinda’ Carnie taffy. Hospitalization - 6 days.
Attempt 3: Action - Roped maself closer ta’ da’ front of the bus. Consequence - Tied maself ta’ a really hot part o’ da’ engine ans’ it took four paramedics an two quarts o’ Vasoline ta’ peal ma’ BBQed ass loose. Hospitalization - 9 days.
Attempt 4: Action - Ran outta’ rope sos I used da’ only thin available, bungee cords. Consequence - Every bump caused me ta’ ricochet violently frum speedin’ pavement ta’ steel bus belly like a demented SuperBall®. Hospitalization - can’t remember.
Bys the time o’ “Attempt 5” I noticed dat I was outta’ New York State an’ well inta Michigan ans’ had da’ pleasure o’ stayin’ in every hospital between. Wit at least sum miles on da’ road I figured da’ best course o’ action ista’ avoid buses an’ Robert De Niro flicks at all costs (except Goodfellas). Nows I had ta’ jus’ get ma’ hands on sum hard cold cash, heck even sum limp room temperature cash would do.
Wit no bus ticket or money an’s a brain fulla’ crappy movie trivia I figures I’d pulla’ De Niro frum Cape Fear an strap maself ta’ the undercarriage of a Greyhound. Ta save time I’lls just summarizes.
Attempt 1: Action - Fergot ta’ bring sum thin’ ta’ tie me ta’ da’ bus. Consequence - Lost grip just outta’ da’ parkin’ an’ gots ran over. Hospitalization - 2 weeks.
Attempt 2: Action - Armed wit rope securely tied maself. Consequence - Tied maself ta’ the drive tran that spins A LOT which created a kinda’ Carnie taffy. Hospitalization - 6 days.
Attempt 3: Action - Roped maself closer ta’ da’ front of the bus. Consequence - Tied maself ta’ a really hot part o’ da’ engine ans’ it took four paramedics an two quarts o’ Vasoline ta’ peal ma’ BBQed ass loose. Hospitalization - 9 days.
Attempt 4: Action - Ran outta’ rope sos I used da’ only thin available, bungee cords. Consequence - Every bump caused me ta’ ricochet violently frum speedin’ pavement ta’ steel bus belly like a demented SuperBall®. Hospitalization - can’t remember.
Bys the time o’ “Attempt 5” I noticed dat I was outta’ New York State an’ well inta Michigan ans’ had da’ pleasure o’ stayin’ in every hospital between. Wit at least sum miles on da’ road I figured da’ best course o’ action ista’ avoid buses an’ Robert De Niro flicks at all costs (except Goodfellas). Nows I had ta’ jus’ get ma’ hands on sum hard cold cash, heck even sum limp room temperature cash would do.
posted by Captain Mog at 10:15 PM
4 Comments:
I just laughed A LOT.
Trademark action, vaseline, sucessive hospitalizations...
who knew that being a carnie was so dangerous?
Thanks. This is exactly why carnies can't get health coverage.
Carnie, I read - I laughed, I cried, then I imagined your attempts as a movie montage... song playing was "Wheels on the Bus (go 'round and 'round)" covered by Tom Waits, all slow and creepy like.
Gil, your blog has become physically painful to read. It's quite odd to laugh and flinch at the same time.
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